Lessons From My Father

When my sister got married in 2002, my father wasn’t comfortable giving a speech at her wedding. Instead, he wrote out the wisdom he wanted to share and asked me to read it. I wasn’t wise enough to save that special piece of paper, but I’ll never forget one nugget of wisdom my dad shared with the wedding couple: An important key to a good marriage is to let go of expectations about what a marriage is supposed to be like—just let it unfold and evolve in its own unique way.

Throughout his life, my father worked hard to free himself from his deeply programmed need to measure up to outside expectations—expectations that he could rarely meet and that weren’t conducive to his long-term well-being. Over time, my dad learned to fully embrace himself just as he was, which I believe is why he was also able to offer others unconditional love. Whenever I was with him, I felt truly seen and wholly accepted.

My dad once wrote: “Whenever I compare myself or my life against my ideas of perfection, I come out the loser. Nothing is perfect—not my family, not my job, not my body. If I have to wait for perfection to be happy, I will surely be waiting forever. The very belief that life should be a certain way—that I should feel happy—greatly contributes to my unhappiness.”

In my father’s hometown in Poland, he and his cousins played simple games, like digging a hole in the ground and tossing beans into it. Whoever got the most beans in the hole was the winner.

“We had fun and never expected new or better toys,” my father explained. “But what would have happened if we’d compared ourselves to others and found our toys deficient? Our joy would have been replaced by envy, and the result would have been dissatisfaction.”

Comparisons are a danger zone. When we are the ones on top, they can temporarily make us feel good about ourselves, but there will inevitably come a time when comparisons will leave us feeling inferior or unworthy. Thankfully, I am beginning to learn from my pragmatist dad that since virtually all beliefs are arbitrary, I can and should consciously choose beliefs that contribute to my happiness. How different it feels to replace an inner dialogue that focuses on all the reasons I am unworthy with one that fosters a deep love and appreciation for myself!

A huge part of my dad’s healing process was cultivating infinite kindness toward himself. With a strong internal atmosphere of self-love and self-acceptance, his self-worth didn’t rely on comparative excellence or validation by others. “Over time,” he wrote, “I began experiencing the boundless peace and joy that resides in the depth of my being—feelings no one can ever take away from me, because they are not dependent on conditions outside myself.”

“Quest for Eternal Sunshine—A Holocaust Survivor’s Journey from Darkness to Light” is the story of Mendek Rubin, a brilliant inventor who endured three horrendous years in Nazi slave labor concentration camps while most of his family was murdered in Auschwitz. Mendek eventually turned his genius on his own psyche, figuring out innovative ways to heal from his enormous traumas to live a joyous and peaceful life. The book—a posthumous collaboration between Mendek and his daughter, Myra Goodman—is based on an unfinished manuscript Myra discovered after her father’s death.

Mendek was an extremely curious, imaginative, and inventive person from the time he was a young boy. At only seven, he devised a key that could open any lock. His family owned a hardware store in their small town of Jaworzno, Poland, and if someone accidentally locked themselves out of their home, Mendek was the one sent to open the door.

Just like the universal key he’d invented as a child, Mendek discovered the keys to freeing himself from the psychological prison he’d been trapped in for decades to find his way back to love. In this “Keys to Happiness” series, Myra shares some of the important lessons she is continuing to learn from her father every day.

Let Go of Expectations and Comparisons

Lessons From My Father