Taking an Ego Scan
My father, Mendek Rubin, often talked about his ego, which he viewed as an insecure part of himself that continually craved admiration and reassurance from the outside world. In the course of his healing journey, he became increasingly aware of all the ways his ego perennially tried to mold him into the person he believed he should be, which often meant rejecting the person he actually was.
My father wrote, “I spent much of the first fifty years of my life giving my ego all the authority, without noticing that obeying its commands was getting me nowhere I wanted to be. When I sought happiness by trying to gain other people’s approval, I could never find it. Instead of joy and contentment, I was led away from the source of my being toward despair and loneliness.”
As my father shifted his focus back to his true self, he became much more relaxed, peaceful, and free. He stopped shutting himself down, and was always playing, laughing, dancing, and singing. His joy was contagious and spread to everyone in his orbit.
Mendek getting his hair styled by his granddaughter, Marea
Mendek enjoying his wild hairstyle, 1996
When I think back to how I felt in my father’s presence—completely seen, accepted, and loved—it’s clear to me how fully embracing ourselves is what gives us the capacity to extend this same generosity to others. My father was truly a shining light of love in the world. No wonder he became convinced that fully accepting and loving himself was the most important act of kindness he could perform on this planet.
Mendek with his grandchildren, Jeff and Marea. Circa 1995
During the years I spent steeped in my father’s philosophy writing Quest for Eternal Sunshine, I couldn’t fully relate to how focused he was on his ego. But these days, so much of my joy is predicated on challenging the ego-driven part of myself that makes me self-conscious and fears disapproval from the outside world. From freely belting out songs while playing guitar, to overcoming shame about how my 60-year-old body looks in a bikini on a family vacation, I’m experiencing how much more pleasurable life is when my ego isn’t in charge.
As my wise father wrote “When my ego wins, I lose, because my ego cares more about what others think than it does about how I feel, and more about how well I’m performing than how much I’m enjoying the experience.”
Mendek’s Ego Scan
My father’s ego scan is basically two lists he created to outline the behaviors he exhibited when he was living from his ego versus his authentic self. Regularly scanning these two lists helped him stay vigilant about who was “in charge”—his ego or his heart.
Mendek’s list of ego-motivated behaviors:
Having pride in my ideas and accomplishments
Being a slave to routine and convention
Comparing myself to others
Worrying about my image and reputation
Repressing and denying my feelings
Feeling sorry for myself
Indulging in impatience, irritation, and intolerance
Desiring things I don’t really need, such as compliments and being right
Mendek’s list of heart-centered behaviors:
Daring to be different
Knowing that life isn’t about winning
Not being intimidated by my fears
Cultivating humility, patience, and forbearance
Practicing self-honesty, prayer and meditation
Being flexible and willing to change my ideas
Giving up my ego’s ideas about what happiness and love are all about
“True liberation,” my father told me, “Is the willingness to shed all of the ways in which we hold ourselves back or shapeshift to become who we think we need to be to please the outside world. It’s about fully accepting and loving ourselves without any conditions or expectations so we’re able to give ourselves permission to be who we truly are.”
