Compassionate Communication:
The Language of Open Hearts
With Dr. Patricia Wolff
Chiropractic physician, homeopath, marriage and family therapist, and meditation teacher
Compassionate communication techniques—drawn from Buddhist and Nonviolent Communication practices (NVC)—help us reduce conflict and embrace relationship challenges as opportunities to increase intimacy, heal our ancient wounds, and increase our awareness of the universality of human needs and desires. Instead of shutting down or acting out when conflicts arise, we can become more aware of our entrenched stories and triggers, giving ourselves the opportunity to gently challenge them instead of endlessly repeating them. Inherent in compassionate communication is the commitment to remain open-minded and open-hearted, which requires the cultivation of curiosity, self-awareness, empathy and courage.
Techniques to Help Foster Compassionate Communication
1) Opening our hearts and setting an intention
Remembering that every human is motivated by the same needs for love, acceptance and acknowledgment, set your intention for communicating from a place of kindness, resolving to do no harm. For example:
“My aim is to remain curious and appreciative of everyone’s point of view.”
“I promise to listen attentively, with an open heart and open mind.”
Patricia highly recommends doing her short (8 min) Awakening the Heart guided meditation to help you find a place of deep calm and openhearted generosity before embarking on a conversation that may be contentious.
2) Recognizing when we’ve been triggered
Begin to notice when the intensity of your reaction is disproportionate to the actual situation. Here are some clues to watch for:
You start to repeat your familiar, often victim-based stories.
Your body tightens up, your jaw clenches, you stop breathing, there is a pit in your stomach, your heart rate is elevated.
You have intense surges of emotions, such as fear, worry, fury, irritability, or a sense of dread.
You blame others for your reactions of upset, confusion or discomfort.
If you watch yourself closely, you will likely catch yourself being triggered over and over again. When you’re triggered, pause and notice your feelings instead of leaping into habitual human strategies of blaming, demanding, feeling victimized, distracting yourself, numbing out or giving up. It’s helpful to take time to settle into your body and the present moment before starting or continuing a sensitive conversation. Breathe deeply, meditate for a few minutes, stretch, walk, gaze at something in nature—anything that helps you calm down and feel more grounded and relaxed. You can utilize this simple and effective relaxing breathing exercise, repeating the sequence for at least three rounds:
Inhale as you slowly count to four
Hold your breath for the count of four
Exhale for the count of eight
Hold your out-breath for the count of four
To avoid responding from automatic patterns of reactivity, we must cultivate patience. Instead of plunging quickly ahead in your desire for a quick resolution, allow yourself to feel your discomfort as sensations in your body and stay with them, without getting pulled back into mental analyses. Instead of believing the familiar litany of the stories our minds continually spin, try to feel them in a somatic way, letting the emotions pass through your body as waves pass through the ocean. All emotions, no matter how intense, always come and go. The self we identify with is not as solid as we think, and over time we can develop the capacity to find spaciousness between stimulus and response.
3) Taking an attitude of curiosity about what’s actually happening
There are times when the gentle spaciousness of a pause is all that is needed for a difficult emotion to complete its cycle. Other times, we discover that our initial emotion or response is just the tip of the iceberg. How can we walk through these challenging portals of transformation? We do so by becoming courageous (the word “courage” comes from the ancient Latin “to speak one’s heart”), curious and compassionate.
You can inquire:
What am I feeling?
When have I felt this before?
What need of mine is being illuminated by my reaction?
What might the other person be feeling?
What are my needs, and are they being met?
Is there an action to be taken, requests to be made, points to be clarified, or emotions to process?
Inquiry can lead us to an exploration of our ancient wounding—our needs for safety, security, acceptance, and love. Much of what triggers us traces back to a time when we were very young and unconsciously developed strategies to protect our tender hearts. Many of these strategies are way past their expiration date and are now ineffective and self-defeating.
4) Becoming an objective observer
An important step in healthy communication is making the effort to objectively report what is actually going on versus staying stuck in your subjective interpretation. It can be helpful to imagine what you would see through the lens of a video camera—an impartial observation of facts, without blame or accusations.
For example, if you are initiating a conversation with your child about a messy room, you might use words that sound judgmental and accusatory, such as: “Your room is a pigsty. Why do have to be such a slob?” Instead, try just describing what a camera would see, such as: “When I walked into your room, I saw candy wrappers on the floor, half eaten breakfast on your bed and dirty clothes on the floor.”
Similarly, after your feelings are hurt, you might say to your partner: “You ignore me and act like I don’t exist!” Instead, try to objectively describe what actually happened: “When I walked into the kitchen after work yesterday evening, you never once looked up from your phone to say hello.”
5) Expressing our feelings without blame
It is helpful to use language that accurately describes how you are feeling, rather than language likely to cause defensiveness or further conflict. Very often, our words are unintentionally accusatory and/or include victim language—words that implicitly contain judgments, evaluations, blame and/or demands. They reflect our perception that someone is doing us wrong. Whenever we add a “by you” (“I feel ignored by you”) we are likely to trigger the person we are speaking with. Instead, find words that simply describe how you feel without implying that someone did something to you—such as “I feel hurt and sad.”
6) Gaining awareness of our spoken unspoken needs
When we use the steps above to become curious about the important needs and values our feelings are revealing, we are engaging in a process of self-discovery. It’s important that we hold ourselves in the compassionate light of understanding and compassion, and then shine that same light toward our friend, partner, child, or whoever we are in conversation with.
When we listen deeply with the intention of bearing witness to someone’s pain without defending ourselves, judging, or trying to fix it, we can more readily identify the needs we’re all trying to meet. As Marshall Rosenberg, founder of NVC says, “We become like a U.N. translator, simultaneously translating from one language into another. We learn how to hear the feelings behind the message that the person is expressing and their unmet needs.”
7) Learning to be clear and specific in our requests
Requests are specific articulated desires that invite honest conversation, not demands or ultimatums. For example, instead of accusing your partner: “You never pay attention to me!” Try saying, “When I talk to you, would you be willing to put down your phone and look at me?” Instead of telling your child, “Clean up your room!” try being specific, “Please put your toys back in the toy bin when you are done playing.”
It’s important to strategize in partnership, realizing the universality of our human needs as we search for win-win solutions, understanding that when someone says “no” to one thing, they are always saying “yes” to something else. For example, if your friend says “no” to taking you to the airport at 4:00AM, they may be saying “yes” to their need to sleep and be well rested before an important event.
We hope this overview of Compassionate Communication proves helpful and gives you a taste of the deep lessons that can be learned from Nonviolent Communication (NVC), which was developed in the 1960s by Marshall Rosenberg, and is a rich and detailed resource for healing and personal growth. For more information:
