Fear of Love

From the original manuscript by Mendek Rubin,
”In Quest of the Eternal Sunshine”

Edith and I have two cats, Boozah and Pippach. It so happens that Boozah favors Edith, and Pippach is more partial towards me. Perhaps it is because Edith picked out Boozah and I chose Pippach. Whenever I sit on a chair, Pippach jumps on my lap, but Boozah never does. Edith would tell me that Pippach loves me, and I would deny it. I would say that Pippach is only a “damn cat that does not know anything.”  Edith would say that I was embarrassed about my feelings, but I would deny it. This kind of talk went back and forth until one day Edith said to me: “Say ‘Pippach loves me,’ and say it out loud.” I tried to say it, but I couldn’t. It took me a few months to be able say it.

I paid a great price for my inhibitions. Not once, but a thousand times. Being embarrassed to love and feel loved by other beings was profoundly detrimental to my life. It robbed me of pleasure and the joy that abounds in Creation.