On Ego

From the original manuscript by Mendek Rubin,
”In Quest of the Eternal Sunshine”

 To rediscover myself and understand the intricate and devious ways my mind stopped the flow of life, I had to go through a purgatory. I had to reenter my own space, which felt like enemy territory. I had figure out for myself what made me tick. No one else could do it for me. I discovered that my thoughts - treasured possessions that I erroneously interpreted as reality - were at the root of my suffering. My thoughts came and went without rest.  Good or bad, welcome or not, I was their helpless victim.

Ultimately, my problems were not solvable by my mind. My mind was not able to extricate itself from the mess it created in the first place. Minds create at least as many problems as they solve.

The brain, as an extension of the ego, becomes an instrument of repression and avoidance. Egos have a need to be at variance with each other in order to maintain their illusory and separate identity. Because the ego is made up of thought, its existence is always threatened by other thoughts.

Secretly or not, every ego has a craving to be special. It demands of itself to be better than other people in order to compensate for the fact that it feels so insecure. Wanting to be special makes me believe that my neighbor is less deserving than I, and it creates arrogance, pride and greed, which all contribute to the rape of this earth.

The ego must be right, and it must win in order to compensate for the painful insecurity it experiences. For the ego, winning is what life is all about. It derives most of its pleasure by comparing itself with other egos—wanting to be better, richer, smarter, and nobler. But its victories are usually short-lived. There is always one more challenge to overcome, another mountain to climb. What the ego cannot stand is peace and harmony.

It came as a surprise to me to realize that most people, especially myself, live as if they occupy a fortress in need of defending. A defensive posture against attack had become my second nature. I always had something to hide and I wanted to protect my secrets, not only from others, but also from myself. I lived in constant fear of being discovered. In many ways, the human race is several billion defended fortresses walking around on this earth, half asleep. We don’t know ourselves, but insist we do.

I never really knew what I was hiding. I didn’t want to know, so therefore I relegated it to my subconscious. Deep within I knew that I would never be able to live up to the idealized self-images I believed I needed to uphold, so I was ashamed and embarrassed. What a terribly outrageous way to live!