The Pitfalls of Praise
When it comes to my personal healing journey, I’ve been learning a tremendous amount from clinical psychologist and parenting expert, Dr. Becky Kennedy. Even though her book, Good Inside, A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be (a #1 New York Times bestseller), podcast, and Instagram posts are geared towards parents of young children, I can’t seem to get enough of her advice, and it’s taken me some time to figure out why.
I’ve finally realized that I’m such an ardent fan of Dr. Becky because when I hear what she tells parents about how to be a “sturdy leader” and raise confident, emotionally resilient kids, it’s as if my inner child is listening intently, wide-eyed with wonder and relief, totally captivated. Through Dr. Becky, “little Myra” is receiving messages that she never got when she was young—that she’s supposed to feel all of her emotions and desires, no matter how difficult or inconvenient. Dr. Becky’s words enable my inner child to envision a world where she feels supported, accepted and loved while being exactly who she naturally is, without any censorship or alterations. This vision is powerfully healing and comforting.
Next week, I’ll be sharing an article I just wrote for Spirituality & Health magazine about how we can take Dr. Becky’s parenting advice and use it to effectively reparent our inner child. Today, I want to share some of her wisdom about the pitfalls of praise, which includes sage advice that has brought me much unexpected joy in my relationship with my five-year-old grandchild, Feliciano.
The Unintended Consequences of Praise
Dr. Becky explains that well-intentioned phrases that we think build confidence in kids, such as “You’re so smart!” “That’s incredible!” or “You’re such an amazing artist,” actually have a downside: they foster an over-reliance on external validation. “Internal validation, on the other hand—which is what we want to encourage in our kids—is the process of seeking approval from oneself,” writes Dr Becky in Good Inside. “It’s the difference between gazing out for good feelings rather than gazing in.”
When kids are young, Dr. Becky explains, they are figuring out whether good feelings live inside them or live inside other people. She asks us to imagine a six-year-old who has just drawn a picture. If they immediately look for a parent to ask if they like it, and only feel confident that it’s a “good picture” when they receive praise, this child has likely already become overly reliant on external validation. A second example: Imagine a teenager who is angry with her boyfriend for something he said to her. Seeking external validation would look like asking five friends if they thought this was “a big deal,” while seeking internal validation would be noticing and trusting her own discomfort and deciding to say something.
“Now, here’s the thing,” Dr. Becky writes, “We all seek external validation, and we all like external validation. This is okay. The goal isn’t to make a child impervious to other people’s approval or input, but rather to build up a child’s interiority—meaning who they are on the inside—so that they don’t feel empty and confused in the absence of outside input.” In fact, true confidence can never be built from praise. “Sure, these comments feel good, but they never stick; rather, they disappear almost as quickly as they land, leaving us desperate for the next bit of praise so that we can feel good about ourselves again. This isn’t confidence . . . this is emptiness.”
Myra’s grandchild, Feliciano
As someone who was raised by praise, I was always more outwardly focused than inwardly aware. Now, as a grandmother, Dr. Becky is helping me understand how I’m perpetuating this unhealthy pattern by always giving my grandkids effusive compliments. Her advice, which I’ve begun to follow, is to switch my focus from what my grandchild produces to what’s happening inside of them—toward their process not their product—exploring the how instead of praising the what, which orients a child to gaze inwards.
In regard to breaking the reflective praise habit, Dr. Becky suggests substituting compliments with “how” questions, such as, “How did you think to draw that?” or “How did you think to start your story that way?” or “How did it feel to do that”? These questions give children the message that what’s inside them—their feelings and ideas—are valuable, and that their value isn’t inextricably tied to outside things, such as accomplishments, outcomes, and labels.
Feliciano’s artwork
In her podcast on the subject of praise, Dr. Becky talked about how we all need to be able to self-generate good feelings. Praise should feel like icing on the cake—something that we enjoy, but are not dependent on to feel good about ourselves. The gap between how we feel in absence of praise, versus how good we feel in the presence of it, shouldn’t be too big.
Additionally, Dr. Becky reminds us that questions are much better conversation starters than compliments. I put this advice to work a couple of weeks ago when I was babysitting for my grandson. When he finished his drawing, instead of my usual extra-effusive, “That is so gorgeous! What a good artist you are! I absolutely love it!”—to which he would have probably replied, “Thanks, grandma!” and the conversation would have been over—I brought forth Dr. Becky’s suggested script.
“Wow, Feliciano,” I said pointing to one part of his drawing, “What were you thinking when you drew that?” His answer, which I never would have gotten if I hadn’t veered from my usual pattern, was incredible. He talked about hearts that exploded with love, bursting into the atmosphere. Then he gave me a tour of his entire picture, explaining things I could never have guessed. I ended up getting a clearer window into his wonderfully wild imagination than I’ve ever had before.
I feel extremely grateful to Dr. Becky for all her important life lessons. You can expect more of her wisdom in future blogs!
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