Working with Difficult Emotions
Emotional well-being requires the capacity to acknowledge and experience the entire spectrum of feelings with mindfulness and self-compassion. When we learn how to calmly embrace every emotion, we gain self-awareness, inner stability, and the ability to harvest the valuable messages our feelings carry.
In this guided meditation, learn to sense and embrace your emotions, especially the difficult ones that can be so uncomfortable, responding to yourself with kindness and care.
Savoring Postitive Emotions
Often, when beautiful moments occur, we may not be paying attention, and the moment might seem to evaporate as we quickly move on to the next experience.
In this guided meditation inspired by Dr. Rick Hanson, embrace and amplify the emotions that nurture you and light you up. Relive a positive experience, inviting the moment and the emotions to linger, to really nourish you.
How to Stop Running from Feelings
View this one-hour workshop recording for teaching on navigating emotions, including a journaling prompt and guided meditation.
Mindfulness means being with things and self as they are, and it is helpful to bring mindfulness to how we deal with our emotions. An emotion is a response to a stimulus: a situation happens, we make an appraisal of the situation, and then we experience a physiological response (within the body), a cognitive response (thoughts), and often a behavioral response.
The Old Way: Habitual & Automatic
An emotion arises (especially a strong one). If we’re unaware of that we’re having an emotion:
The emotion can “take over” and before you know it you are acting OUT the emotion in ways that you may not have intended to
Or perhaps before you know it, you are engaging in behaviors to distract, suppress, or numb (scrolling on your phone, compulsively shopping or eating, etc.).
If we are aware of the emotion, often we’ll do one of these things:
Judge, critique ourselves, and try to suppress the emotion. We use the situation and emotion as ammunition for shame.
Freak out, amplify the emotions: vent, rage, ruminate. Here we tend to glorify “the story”—the original situation and our appraisal of it—and this is what amplifies the emotion.
Logic, reason/talk ourselves out of it, fix it, figure it out
Why is this a problem? Simply because it doesn’t work!
1) The emotional energy can’t be erased—it is still here and it needs to have space, to be released, and to move through. If this doesn’t happen, the energy of the emotion will likely come out in some other way.
2) We don’t receive the message that the emotion was trying to convey.
3) Escaping emotions actually brings more stress! Resistance and escape are part of the “flight/flight” stress response. Dr. Becky Kennedy wrote, “Avoiding your feelings never ends the way you want it to. In fact, the more you avoid distress or will it to go away, the worse it becomes. Our bodies interpret avoidance as confirmation of danger, and it triggers our internal alert system. The more energy we use to push emotions like anxiety or anger or sadness away, the more powerfully those emotions spring back up.”
Why we do this? Possible reasons…
We are afraid of our feelings – we’re not sure we can handle them
The intensity of the moment makes us forget that emotions come and go – we take them too seriously.
We are addicted to the story – it is so interesting, so vivid. We believe that because we thought it, it’s true.
We are not in touch with our bodies, so we leap straight into our minds.
Modeling, culture: we learned this through observing others in our families and in the world.
The New Way: Mindful & Intentional
AWARENESS OF EMOTIONS
An emotion arises (especially a strong one)… Pause and lean in to your experience!
Somatic: Tune in to the body. Ask, “Where do I feel this in my body?” If you can’t feel it, keep asking, keep practicing.
Cognitive: Notice your thoughts, let go of the story. Develop emotional literacy by expanding your vocabulary and your ability to identify emotions. (Emotions wheel)
The fact that you can be aware of emotions means that you are not your emotions. You are the one who can feel and identify emotions.
ALLOW & BE WITH EMOTION
You can be a gracious host to this temporary emotion passing through. Open to it with curiosity.
Remind yourself that…
It’s OK to have all kinds of human emotions, even the “ugly” ones.
You can survive having a strong, difficult emotion.
As big as this emotion may feel, all emotions are temporary. You will not always feel this way.
This is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and about being human.
ACTIVATE SELF-COMPASSION
Elements of self-compassion, according to Dr. Kristin Neff:
Genuine care for self: The wish for well-being and less suffering
Common humanity: Every single person feels every emotion—you are not alone in this experience.
Nonidentification: Yes, you are experiencing this right now AND you are so much more than this feeling, this situation.
SELF-REGULATION
Big, uncomfortable emotions can feel stressful and overwhelming. Instead of numbing, we can practice ways to soothe our nervous system.
Somatic:
Slow down your breathing, try the Letting-Go Breath.
Put your hand on your heart and breathe.
Try self-havening.
Release the energy of emotions: shaking, crying, vocalizing, screaming into a pillow, kicking on a bed, physical exercise.
Take a walk or a hot or cold shower.
Hug a pet or loved one.
Cognitive: Use words of affirmation: “I am safe in this moment.” “I will not always feel this way.” “This emotion is welcome.”
INVESTIGATE
Keep getting curious and tuning into body sensations
Notice your thoughts: are they true or distortions? Could there be alternatives to distorted thoughts:
Ask: What is this emotion trying to tell me? What is calling for attention? Don’t try to answer the question, just ask it and then sit quietly and breathe… see what happens.
The Outcome
As we practice the new way:
We gain familiarity with the coming and going of emotions and experience less panic and fear when emotions arrive.
We earn more about what helps to soothe ourselves.
We become aware of how thoughts and judgements keep us stuck.
We are taking responsibility for our own experience, rather than putting it on others through blame or acting out.
We become more able to tolerate and be with other people’s emotions as well.
Read Myra’s blog about why she’s so passionate about learning to embrace all our emotions.
More Resources on Mindfulness
Created in collaboration with Katie Dutcher
Start Your Mindfulness Practice
Practicing mindfulness can help us to focus, be in the present moment, deal with stress skillfully, and develop compassion.
Take a Moment
Tiny pauses to be right here, right now can have big results. Our series of micro-meditations—all under two minutes long—invite you to access the calm that is always within you.
Mindfulness in Nature
When we’re outdoors, it is often easier to slow down and let our attention be captivated by the richness of the present moment.
Katie Dutcher is a teacher of mindfulness and meditation based in Monterey, California, and a regular contributor and consultant with Quest for Eternal Sunshine. She is a Qualified Teacher of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, a Certified Mindful Outdoors Guide, and the host of Flourish & Bloom—a membership platform offering resources and events for mindfulness, self-discovery, and greater well-being. Receive Katie’s newsletter and learn about her upcoming offerings.
Blog Posts on Emotions
