What Makes Us Strong?
In early December, my son and his wife choreographed a beautiful baby naming ceremony for their two-week old son, officiated by their rabbi. The only guests were two sets of grandparents, and we were each given a blessing to impart.
I was deeply moved by the blessing my husband and I read (shared below), especially because it didn’t solely wish for a life filled with ease and comfort. Its inclusion of wishes for a healthy measure of life’s inevitable challenges—acknowledging them as meaningful opportunities to grow in strength and compassion—felt honest, as well as an optimistic reframing.
May you always have—
Enough happiness to keep you sweet,
Enough trials to keep you strong.
May you always have—
Enough hope to keep you happy,
Enough enthusiasm to look forward.
May you always have—
Enough failure to keep you humble,
Enough success to keep you eager.
May you always have—
Enough friends to give you comfort,
Enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.
I was thinking about our family ceremony when I heard it mentioned that trees grown in controlled biospheres often fall over because they don’t have the pressure of wind to prompt them to grow stronger roots and thicker trunks for stability. Also, the “ideal” conditions in biospheres (optimal hydration, temperature, and nutrients) make trees grow more quickly, which leads to weaker wood and less robust root development.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy often talks about how attempting to create “perfect” conditions to ensure our children’s happiness is never in their long-term best interest. In a recent interview on the Tim Ferris podcast, she said. “When we think about making our kids happy, what we’re actually saying is I am prioritizing my kids’ short-term ease…And what ends up happening—not when you do that a couple of times, but as a pattern—is you actually narrow the range of emotions kids believe they can cope with. You end up having adults who are remarkably anxious. Prioritizing happiness for kids leads to adulthood full of a ton of anxiety.”
The lessons Dr. Becky’s teaches about healthy parenting are ones that I’m still personally learning at 61: how patience, competence and fortitude can’t develop without experiencing and overcoming hardship. Dr. Becky told Tim Ferris that when she sees one of her three kids struggling with something like completing a puzzle, she will resist intervening by telling herself: “Becky, do not deprive your child of finding their capability. Do not steal it. Do not steal their capability.”
As parents or grandparents, not intervening means that we have to be able to tolerate a child’s upset and frustration—the exact same ability they will develop for themselves when we allow them to struggle and push through.
Dr. Becky also discussed the importance of helping kids understand that while many things often feel hard, especially at first, it’s not because they are doing something wrong. “The difference between understanding something’s hard because it is, versus thinking it’s hard because basically you failed, has massive life implications on what we’d be willing to take on next as a challenge.”
Understanding that we’re capable of navigating difficult challenges—rather than expecting to be rescued when things get tough—is profoundly empowering. Dr. Becky explains that when everything goes our kids’ way—like being invited to every party, making every team they try out for, getting the new gadget they want, or rarely having to tolerate bad traffic or long, slow lines—they’ll struggle when life inevitably gets tough. To prepare them for real challenges, we must resist the urge to shield them from hardship during their formative years and allow them to experience uncomfortable emotions.
Knowing that frustration and hardship contribute to the growth of those we love makes it easier to witness. This beautiful quote from an unknown source comes to mind: “Like the mighty tree that thrives on strong winds, our trials nourish us, forcing our roots to grow deeper into the soil of life.”
