Compassionate Communication
Myra (far right) at eighteen in India with part of the family she lived with in Jaipur during a semester abroad in 1982.
It’s often said that we don’t need to move to India to live in an ashram in order to get enlightened—all the opportunities we ever need are available right at home, in the midst of our daily lives. For many of us, as we approach a full year of pandemic restrictions, these opportunities for self-realization and growth abound!
I vividly recall a talk given by Zen teacher, Katherine Thanas, two decades ago, when she was in her mid-seventies and had been practicing Soto Zen Buddhism for over thirty-five years. Katherine had just returned from a visit with family members that she hadn’t seen for a long time, and she shared how humbled she felt by that experience. Before the trip, she’d been certain that she’d achieved a fairly high level of self-awareness and awakening, but her time with relatives boomeranged her right back into old patterns of reactivity, taking her totally by surprise. In her talk, she was wonderfully candid about the experience, which proved to be illuminating on many levels.
As a Zen student, one of the lines we regularly chanted was, “Dharma gates are boundless, I vow to enter them.” The word “Dharma” refers to the Buddha’s teachings about the true nature of reality, and “Dharma gates” refer to our portals of entry to learn these truths. I love that line because it so beautifully encapsulates a mindset that views everything we encounter in this life as an opportunity for growth. Our practice, as Katherine Thanas so eloquently put it, is to “notice how the dust of our mind obscures the clear reflection of the world, how our values and preferences determine our interpretations.”
Conflicts in relationships are often a big challenge for me. Even though I have an exuberant personality, I’m conflict averse, and habitually aim to make peace as quickly as possible instead of trying to explore the roots of a clash more thoroughly so I can learn important lessons. I’m working on changing this pattern, as well as trying to listen more and talk less, remembering that we all feel more supported and cherished when we are truly heard and given patient, undivided attention. My father was especially good at that, which was one of the reasons it was so delightful and nourishing to spend time with him.
Long ago, my dear friend and fellow Zen student, Patricia Wolff—a chiropractic physician, homeopath, marriage and family therapist, and meditation teacher—taught a class on Compassionate Communication at our Zen center. I learned a tremendous amount from her in a short time, so I asked if she’d be willing to share her wisdom and help create a resource for our website, and she generously agreed. Patricia’s offering focuses on seven components:
1. Opening our hearts and setting an intention
2. Recognizing when we’ve been triggered
3. Taking an attitude of curiosity about what’s actually happening
4. Becoming an objective observer
5. Expressing our feelings without blame
6. Gaining awareness of our unspoken needs
7. Learning to be clear and specific in our requests.
Patricia and I hope you find the Compassionate Communication resource of benefit.
The journey continues!
Myra
