Healthy Boundaries from the Inside Out
Maintaining good boundaries is an essential part of taking care of ourselves and creating healthy interpersonal relationships. Although I’ve been challenged in this arena for as long as I can remember, I’m happy to report that I’m finally making some progress. I’ve learned a great deal from the teachings of Wendy De Rosa, whose powerful practices are featured in the following article I wrote for Quest readers and Spirituality & Health magazine. It includes a lovely “Healthy Boundaries from the Inside Out” seven-minute guided visualization which I’m sharing below.
I have what psychologists call “porous boundaries.” Common characteristics of such boundaries describe me perfectly: fearing rejection when I don’t comply with other’s expectations, overexplaining and feeling bad when I say no, getting over-involved in other people’s problems, and a tendency toward oversharing. My porous boundaries extend emotionally and energetically as well—when I’m with someone who has an upset stomach, I often begin to feel sick too.
During the COVID lockdown, I largely enjoyed a break from uncomfortable situations, but now that socializing is coming back, my old challenges are resurfacing. Determined to use this reentry as an opportunity to reevaluate my life and transform stubbornly entrenched patterns that don’t support my wellbeing, I have embarked on a quest to build healthier boundaries.
Wendy De Rosa, founder of the School of Intuitive Studies and author of Becoming an Empowered Empath: How to Clear Energy, Set Boundaries & Embody Your Intuition, explains that the way we set personal boundaries is determined by childhood conditioning.
“If when we were young we learned to survive by prioritizing other people’s needs and emotions, we become disconnected from ourselves and [our] own feelings and desires,” she says. “Because this is what feels normal to us, the pattern keeps repeating. A lack of healthy boundaries is common for anyone raised in households with abuse, neglect, projected emotions, unclear boundaries, suppression of self, or lack of safety or belonging.”
And so, my porous boundaries aren’t just a random personality trait. Rather, they are a symptom of deeply embedded childhood wounds and instinctual fear-based adaptations.
I grew up with an emotionally volatile mother who’d endured a tremendous amount of trauma and was easily triggered. As a little girl, her outbursts felt like bombs going off—so destructive and terrifying that my number-one goal was to keep her calm and pacified. My fear and need for security had me perennially focusing all my attention on her emotional state at the expense of my own.
De Rosa’s powerful approach to healing centers around the energetic body. “In school, we learn about the nervous system, the musculoskeletal system, the cardiovascular system, and more, but we never learn about energetic anatomy. Our energetic system, which includes our seven chakras, underlies our nervous system, so everything that we’re carrying on an energetic level impacts how we feel and respond to the world.”
Our three lower chakras, she explains, hold our personal needs for safety, trust, and identity, and they also carry our emotional wounds. Those of us with porous boundaries are often called to “reparent” our lower chakras by deeply listening to our most tender, vulnerable parts and honoring the needs and messages we receive.
Please enjoy Wendy De Rosa’s 7-minute "Healthy Boundaries From the Inside Out" guided visualization
