The Healing Power of Soothing Touch
I first discovered the practice of self-havening more than four years ago, while working with psychotherapist Andrea Wachter on an article for Spirituality & Health magazine about tools to ease anxiety. Since then, it has become a staple of my self-care—both to calm my nervous system, and to foster a kinder and more nurturing relationship with myself that feels exceptionally sweet and healing. Eager to share it with you, I collaborated with therapist and mindfulness teacher Katie Dutcher to create a guided recording, which is included below.
Self-havening is a self-soothing technique that uses slow and gentle strokes on the arms, hands, and face to help support the release of calming and bonding neurochemicals associated with safety and nervous-system regulation, including oxytocin and endorphins, while helping to reduce stress hormones like cortisol. What’s especially beautiful about this practice is that you get to experience what it’s like to give and receive this loving touch simultaneously.
Gentle touch is especially powerful because it’s one of the earliest languages of safety humans experience. From the very beginning of life, soothing touch is associated with bonding, regulation, and comfort. Practices like self-havening can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress chemistry while increasing feelings of connection and safety. Rather than trying to think your way out of anxiety, self-havening sends signals of safety directly to the body. This type of bottom-up approach can be especially beneficial for people like me whose nervous systems learned early in life that the world is scary or unsafe.
The brain’s threat detector—the amygdala—triggers stress responses extremely quickly, almost always before the reasoning parts of our brain fully come online. So while we may intellectually understand that we are safe right now, we still feel deeply unsafe physiologically. Trying to reason with an activated nervous system can be like expecting a smoke alarm to stop ringing while it’s still detecting smoke.
Andrea explains that it’s important to break the habit of running away from feelings of anxiety, because running is a fight-or-flight reaction. Feeling afraid of anxiety, and desperately trying to get rid of it as soon as possible, only fuels it. Instead, we need to learn to move towards anxiety with kindness and compassion, and get familiar with tools that soothe our nervous systems even before it strikes.
“I try to help people move toward their anxiety like they might move toward a small child who is scared.” Andrea says. “When we’re anxious, we need love, comfort, and compassion—not rejection, condemnation, or shame. Judging ourselves and hating how we feel just makes things worse.”
Below is the description of Self-Havening that Andrea and I shared in our article, followed by our recording— “Self-Havening: Soothing Self-Touch”—which is less than five minutes long. I hope you find this practice as pleasant and beneficial as I do!
Self-Havening: A Somatic Practice of Comforting Self-Touch
Self-Havening was developed by neuroscientist Dr. Ronald Ruden, who discovered that when we gently stroke three specific parts of our bodies with the intent to impart comfort, a tremendous amount of calming neurotransmitters and happy hormones are released. This interrupts the cycle of anxiety by making us feel soothed and relaxed. Experiment with all three areas to see which you enjoy most. You can alternate between them, or just pick a favorite one or two. Try these methods for five to ten minutes, and then see how you feel.
Upper arms: Cross your arms over your chest, placing your left hand on your right shoulder and your right hand on your left shoulder, as if you’re giving yours a hug. Lovingly stroke down from the top of your shoulders along the outside of your arms to your elbows, repeating over and over, at a pace and pressure that feels the most comforting.
Palms of the hands: Stroke and caress the palms of your hands in a gentle, loving way, using any pattern or rhythm that feels best.
Sides of the face: With one hand on either side of your face, stroke down from your forehead along your hairline in loving, gentle movements.
Try to stay fully present while practicing Self-Havening. As soon as you notice your mind wandering, bring it back to your body’s sensations.
You can enhance the effects of the Self-Havening touch by taking a few deep breaths—inhaling through your nose and releasing tension as you exhale through your mouth. Try speaking soothing words to yourself, such as “All is well,” “I am safe,” “I am calm,” “I am strong and healthy.” You can also make soothing “shhh” sounds, hum, release loud sighs on your exhales, or visualize yourself safe and happily relaxing in any beautiful environment your imagination can create.
