Be True to Yourself
Lessons From My Father:
Key to Happiness #6
Being our true selves, rather than the person we think we should be, requires a lot of courage. Most of us were raised to act in particular ways by being praised for “good” behavior and reprimanded for “bad” behavior. This is one of the main ways children are taught to internalize the norms and values of their families and communities—to “follow the rules.” When we didn’t toe the line or measure up to society’s expectations, we risked rejection or punishment. Conforming was often an essential form of self-protection.
When my father was a little boy, he felt different than everybody else. Much of this came from undiagnosed dyslexia, but my dad was also a daydreamer—imaginative, sensitive and shy. “I did everything I could not to draw attention to myself,” he wrote. “I conformed. I didn’t make waves. In my desperation to be accepted, I hid, even from myself, both the best and the worst parts of me. As the years passed, I learned to deny and repress almost all of my emotions.”
Much of my father’s healing journey involved learning to break free from what he called, “society’s prison.” Having been told to be ‘good,’ he was afraid to be ‘bad,’ and his mind was never at rest. “I was sure that I had to prove myself worthy in order to deserve love and happiness, and the world began to feel like a threatening place. I had accepted as fact that I should be different from who I naturally was.”
It wasn’t until my dad was well into middle age that he made the conscious decision to stop seeking approval from others, and instead to focus his energy on truly loving himself just as he was. Once he began to embrace being his unique self and choose freedom over conformity, he blossomed. When I think back to the times we spent together, I remember playfulness, peacefulness, joy, love and laughter. No matter where he was, he could often be seen dancing and singing with a huge smile on his face.
As I travel further and more sure-footedly on my own healing journey, I see how much of my life I’ve lived with my antennae focused outward, instinctively gathering information on what I should be doing and ought to be saying and feeling, rather than focused inward, tuning into what I am actually feeling and wanting in any given moment. Honoring the truth of my life and being true to myself can be challenging, especially when I know that I’m making decisions that may displease or disappoint others.
It’s my father who first helped me realize the importance of being true to myself. He used to look in the mirror and ask himself, “Have I been good to you lately? Have I been your best friend and strongest ally?” And then, with kindness and patience, he’d wait for his answer to arise. Every day, I try to follow in his footsteps.
“Quest for Eternal Sunshine—A Holocaust Survivor’s Journey from Darkness to Light” is the story of Mendek Rubin, a brilliant inventor who endured three horrendous years in Nazi slave labor concentration camps while most of his family was murdered in Auschwitz. Mendek eventually turned his genius on his own psyche, figuring out innovative ways to heal from his enormous traumas to live a joyous and peaceful life. The book—a posthumous collaboration between Mendek and his daughter, Myra Goodman—is based on an unfinished manuscript Myra discovered after her father’s death.
Mendek was an extremely curious, imaginative, and inventive person from the time he was a young boy. At only seven, he devised a key that could open any lock. His family owned a hardware store in their small town of Jaworzno, Poland, and if someone accidentally locked themselves out of their home, Mendek was the one sent to open the door.
Just like the universal key he’d invented as a child, Mendek discovered the keys to freeing himself from the psychological prison he’d been trapped in for decades to find his way back to love. In this “Keys to Happiness” series, Myra shares some of the important lessons she is continuing to learn from her father every day.
